For as long as she could remember poor Polly Parrot was a "slave assistant" to the conjuror on board a luxury cruise liner which cruised day in and day out to the same boring place. All Polly had to do was to sit on her perch and watch whilst the conjuror did the same stupid tricks night in and night out. One night Polly was feeling really fed up and decided to turn the tables on the conjuror. During his first trick Polly, in a real parrot voice, squawked out "It's in his pocket". "Shut up", said the conjuror. "Shan't shut up" squawked Polly. "It's in his shoe", Polly squawked as the conjuror did his next trick. "Shut up", said the conjuror. "Shan't shut up" squawked Polly. "It's behind his ear", squawked Polly during the conjuror's next trick. "Shut up", said the conjuror. "Shan't shut up" squawked Polly. Well, overnight there was a force twelve gale and hurricane and the ship went down. After a while the conjuror, in the murky gloom, found himself on the floor of a lifeboat. He saw a funny shaped object perched on the tiller. Yes, you've guessed right, it was Polly. They just stared at each other and said nothing. Day turned into night, night turned into day, day turned into night and day turned into night - and still they said nothing. After several days afloat in the lifeboat Polly could stand it no longer. Polly squawked "I give up, what did you do with the ship?" ! !

What does it mean when the post office flies its flag at half-mast? They're hiring.

Sung to The Lion Sleeps Tonight) In the bedroom, the might bedroom, John Bobbit sleeps tonight. And in the kitchen, the mighty kitchen, loraina grabs a knife. Chorus: A weenie whack,a weenie whack, a weenie whack, a weenie whack. Down the highway, the mighty highway, Loraina holds it tight. Then she winds up, (her thoughts astray),and chucks it far away! A weenie whack, a weenie whack, a weenie whack, a weenie whack. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO a dingdong gone-away!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender asks the man: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall. "Told you it'll be there before your dog."

Q: What is the height of revenge? A: A man with a needle in a condom factory!

How many Microsoft software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they let someone else do it, buy them out and then take credit for it.

There was an old lady from China, Who had an enormous vagina, When she was dead, They painted it red, And used it for docking a liner.

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?". The farmer said, "Yeah, I wanta git one of those dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?" The farmer said "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The famer said, "No, I don't have a Case but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer siad, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up,or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up at about 4:30." The attorney then said, "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I want this here dayvorce!"

What did the blonde say when she entered the sperm bank? (with her mouth full) "wea oo ah oot iss?"

Have you heard Elton Johns Tribute record? No, not Diana's...Mother Teresa's . . . SANDALS IN THE BIN !

Why do South African's call Nelson Mandela a prune?? He's black, and rinckled, and he gives them the shits.

Father O?Reilly is hearing confession. "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. When I miss my golf shot, I sometimes swear...take the Lord?s name in vain." Father O?Reilly sighs. "Ah, swearing is an awful sin, my son. But as a golfer myself, I can understand your frustration. So, do you miss your tee shot?" "No, father. I always make a great tee shot, 200-300 yards down the fairway." Father O?Reilly frowns. "So, you miss your approach shot to the green?" "No, father. I always make a great approach shot, usually within a foot or so of the cup." Father O?Reilly, angrily: "You don?t mean to tell me you miss the fucking putt?"

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father. "The bull just screwed the brown cow!" There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow." The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy!" "Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!"

There were once three guys that went hunting. One was American, one was Italian, and one was polish. So the American guy went into the woods and came back with a huge bear. The polish guy immediatly asked him how he got such a huge bear. "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get bear", said the American guy. So then the Italian guy went into the woods and came out with a huge deer. Again the polish guy asked him how he caught such a big deer. "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get deer", the Italian guy said. So then the polish guy went into the woods, but he came back all bloody. So they asked him, "How did you get so bloody". The polish guy said,"Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get hit by train".

A man is sitting at a bar and is already three sheets to the wind. He asks the bartender for another Guiness and throws it down. He has six more beers until he can hardly speak. He says to the bartender, "Gghive me shone shmore." (completely garbled speech) The bartender refuses. The Irishman gets livid and says to the man, "You llllisthen chere buddy." (hardly even understandable) "I'm payin ya goooood smoneys to have a Guinessh, you gives me one rightsh fucking shnow!" The bartender wants no trouble and gives him another Guiness. The drunk pounds it and demands another. Again wanting no trouble he decides to make a deal with him. The bartender says, "Listen here lad, I'll only give you another one on three conditions--you must do three things for me." The Drunk says, "O.K., just give me a fucking beer." The bartender begins his commands--"First, see that bouncer over there, he's new and I need you to pick a fight with him and test him out." (the bouncer is ungodly huge and the bartender knows that the drunk stands no chance) The drunk stands up from the bar walks up to the boucer, looks up, and lays him out with one punch and returns to the bar and demands a beer. The bartender says "wait there's two more things you must do, next--there's a guard dog in the back all chained up he's got a tooth ache. He's a vicious muther-fucker and doesn't let anyone near him. You must go and pull his bad tooth. Then when you're done with that, I've got a sister upstairs who's ugly as sin--and will never get fucked as long as she lives. She feeling pretty bad about herself--go upstairs and give her a good time. When you're done with them come right here and I'll treat you the rest of the day to all the brew you want." The drunk gets up, goes in the backroom and all ya here is the dog squeeling. The drunk comes back to the bar all sweaty and says, "O.K. so whersh your shishter with the bad tooth."

Why can't girls count to 70? Cause 69's a mouthful.

Q: What do you call the useless skin around the penis? A: The man!

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex... 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

Two natural gas service technicians, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"

What do you call a cow that has just given birth? De'calf'inated!

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. 2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. 3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING. 4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS. 5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG. 6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. 7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN 8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. 9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF. 10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN. 11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES? 12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES 13. AND YOUR POINT IS? 14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. 15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. 16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN. 17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP. 18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. 19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. 20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? 21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT. 22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY. 23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

The head of army medical was giving a lecture on the dangers of obesity. During the question period, a paunchy drill sergeant stood up and asked "Sir, if a platoon doctor and an NCO are having a disagreement over being too fat, who has the final say?" The general answered "I do. You are. Sit down."

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet." The blonde replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50. No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars." The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay!" The blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

The First Lady is pressing the flesh at a Democratic Party fundraiser. Two elderly women are brought up to be introduced. The oldest has this puzzled look the entire time that Hiliary is smiling and shaking her hand. Suddenly, the old lady smiles. As they walk away, the friend asks: "So, did you finally remember who she was?" "No," replied the older woman. "I always knew who she was. I finally figured out how she could be smiling when her husband was so unfaithful." The other elderly lady: "....and?" "Isn't it obvious? If President Clinton is screwing her the way he is screwing the rest of us Democrats, she must be the happiest woman in America!"

Real simple. 1) take about 10 rolls of toilet paper. 2) spread all over someones house. If you wish, you can also egg stuff.

how can you tell when an asian has broken into your house ?? ? ? ?????? all your pets are gone and your homework is done

A gypsy couple went to the flea market to sell some fur coats. The husband tried to sell these fur coats but had no takers. After a few hours went by he got bored and decided to let his wife take over the stall while he went to take a nap in the shade of his caravan. His wife wasn't faring much better, tending their stall all alone on a busy market day. Suddenly, two big men came running up to the stall and with one quick movement stole all the fur coats!! She quickly lost sight of them as the made their escape through the crowd. She called out to her husband who was fast asleep under the wagon," Our furs are all gone!!!"she said excitedly. He replied, still half asleep, "Great, how much did you get for them?" She answered curtly, "The same as what WE PAID."

Three men are waiting at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter announces you must have a remarkable story in order to get into heaven and the first guy walks up to St. Peter. Well St. Peter - I live on the 20th floor of a high rise and I come home from work and I know my wife is having an affair. So I start looking all over the apartment to find him - finally I run out to the balcony and there he is hanging on the balcony. So I start pounding on his fingers - he wouldn't let go. So I get a hammer and start slugging his fingers - finally he falls but he doesn't die. So I run and grab the refridgerator and throw it over the balcony and it takes me with. That's how I died. St Peter says "That's remarkable - you can come in. Second guy walks up and says to St. Peter - I live on the 21st floor of a high rise and I was on the balcony and a gust of wind came and blows me over. I fall and grab onto my neighbor's balcony and all of a sudden he's pounding on my fingers and makes me fall - but I didn't die - so he threw a refridgerator on me. St Peter says "This is crazy - come on in" Third guy walks up and says to St. Peter - Your not going to believe this - I was hiding in a refridgerator.......

One day there was a man taking a shower in his house. In the middle of his shower he ran out of soap. Badly needing it, he wrapped a towel around his body and ran down to the store. At the store he bought two bars of soaps. On his way home, three sexy ladies were walking down the same path as he was. He wasn't wearing any clothes, so he jumped into the bushed. As he jumped into the bushes the twigs had caught a hold of his towel and ripped it off of his body. As he was hiding in the bushes, his dick was sticking out. The three ladies walked by the bushes and saw his dick hanging out, they weren't sure what it was. So the first lady pulled on it. The man threw a soap at them to get them to leave. The 1st lady said it was a soap dispenser. Then the second lady pulled on it. The man threw the last soap at the lady. Then the third lady pulled the man's dick, nothing came out. So she kept on pulling. The ladies walked away. The 1st and 2nd lady went to the third lady and asked her if she wanted to go to the store to buy a bar of soap. She said why should i, i didn't get a bar of soap, but i got liquid soap.

There once was a woman from Dexeter, And all the young men craned there necks at her, And those that were brave, Would take out and wave, There marks of the opposite sex at her.

PIGS! Farmer Giles is a backward pig farmer who decides his pigs aren't getting pregnant so he goes to see the local vet. The vet suggests that he should try artificial insemination but Giles doesn't understand what this is. He thinks it means that he has to do it himself. The next morning he loads all the female pigs into a trailer and drives them down to a nice quiet spot in the woods and screws them all. He returns to the farm somewhat tired and decides to call the vet to check if there is anyway he can tell if the pigs are pregnant. 'That's easy, ' says the vet, 'the female pigs won't be sitting down first thing in the morning, like they usually do. They'll all be standing up.' With this in mind, when Farmer Giles wakes up next morning he looks out the window and to his dismay all the pigs are sitting down. 'Oh bugger, ' he says and puts all the pigs into the trailer and drives down to the woods once more to do the sordid deed. The next morning he gets up and looks out at the pigs. Once more they are all seated. So he repeats the process. The following day he is too tired to get up after all this pig fucking and asks Mrs Giles to look out on the pigs. 'That's funny!?' she says. 'What is it? Are they all standing up?' says Farmer Giles hopefully. 'No. They're all in the trailer and one's peeping the horn.'

Three men are being interviewed for admission to heaven. St. Peter is asking them about their deaths. The first man explains: "I was suspecting my wife of having an affair so one day I returned to my apartment in the afternoon and as suspected I found the bed messed up and my wife was in the shower. I flew into a rage and looked around the apartment and then went out on the balcony where I found a guy hanging on the railing by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer and pounded on the man's hands until he fell but as luck would have it he landed in a large shrub and survived. Then I completely lost it and went into the kitchen, rolled the refrigerator out onto the balcony and pushed it over onto the guy. After I came to my senses and realized what a horrible thing I had done I got my gun and shot myself. St. Peter dismisses him and asks the second man how he died. The second man said: "Well, one afternoon I was doing my aerobics on the balcony and I slipped and fell over the rail. I was able to hang on until this maniac came out and started pounding on my hands with a hammer. I fell down into a big shrub and thought I was OK when all of a sudden this refrigerator comes crashing down on me." St. Peter asks him to leave and asks the third man about his death. Third man: "Well, I just happened to be hiding in this refrigerator..."

I was walking down the street the other day, when I bumped into this big ol' Brun Hilda of a blond, carrying a humoungous celery on her shoulders. A happier blond you couldn't find anywhere. So I ask the blond: "Excuse me, but you seem so cheerful. How come?" The blond: "You know, I'm just so proud of myself for what I've accomplished. I've also proved that what they say about blondes is just not true." I asked her: "What do you mean?" The blond: "I've just received the biggest celery at my workplace!"

You are the pilot of a 747 you are hualing 25 troops to Asia and another 25 to Bosnia. How old is the air plane driver?

Get some salsa. The salsa should be quite spicy. Dissolve some Ex-lax into the salsa. At a party (or anything else similar) put out the bowl of the salsa and some chips. Diarehea usually burns, and this will be awful!!!

There's no business Like show business. . . But there's no job Like a blow-job.

WHAT AM I ???? This useful tool commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It bosts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of it from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action. Hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What am I?????? As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own. . . .....TOOTHBRUSH......... What were you thinking? You PERVERT!

What do you call a woman that works as hard as a man? A lazy bitch.

GENERAL: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and gives policy to God. COLONEL: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, and talks to God. LT. COLONEL: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding B-B, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, and talks to God if a special request is approved. MAJOR: Barely clears quonset huts, loses tugs-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God. CAPTAIN: Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, can dog paddle, and talks to animals. 1ST LIEUTENANT: Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued amunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water. 2ND LIEUTENANT: Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "Look at the Choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself. NCO: Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them. Freezes water with a single glance. He IS God! AIRMAN: Builds the buildings, lays the tracks and drives the trains, is responsible for arms and munitions, doesn't drink water, only beer. God smiles on him.

A doctor, named Alice, an engineer, named Rob, a rabbi, named Ben and a lawyer, whose name I don't remember, but it really doesn't matter, were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. "Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?" "And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.

THE LOCAL PRIEST TOOK HIS FRIEND THE RABBI TO A BOXING MATCH. THEY BOTH WATCHED AS THE ITALIAN HEAVYWEIGHT ENTERED THE RING, WENT TO HIS CORNER, KNEELED DOWN AND CROSSED HIMSELF. THE RABBI ASKED THE PRIEST WHAT THAT MEANT. THE PRIEST ANSWERED," NOT A THING IF HE CAN'T FIGHT."

One day during a Rat Pack function, Frank Sinatra, the leader of the Pack at that time was feeling his oats. So he yelled over to Dean Martin on the couch next to him, "Hey, Dino, you drunken, bug-eyed, lousy-singing lump of stuff. How about getting off your butt and sharing some of those cocktails with the rest of us. Peter Lawford, here, looks particularly thirsty and you've been hogging that bottle for half the night." Well, Dean Martin was drunk, (nothing new there) but he had not been unwilling to share his booze with the rest of the Rat Packers. In fact, he resented the Chairman of the Board for his rude comments. So, he brought Frank over a bottle of Chivas all right, but as Frank turned to accept it, Dino whacked him across the face with the bottle, cutting up Frank pretty good. Well, Sammy Davis, Jr. almost bust a gut laughing about that and, ironically, as Frank's eyes rolled up into his head just before he hit the ground, he remarked, "Man, I thought this was the Rat Pack, not the "Whack Pack!"

My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President.

George W. Bush: Proof anyone with enough money and a famous daddy can grow up to be president.

Did you hear about the US government issuing three new bonds? The Clinton bond has no priniple, the Dole bond has no interest and the Gingrich bond has no maturity!

You should really be a Nazi, But it ain't so artsy-fartsy, There's lots of clocks And you get to throw rocks So come on, let's be a Nazi! -- chorus Everybody get a friend Do the polka like it'd never end Bratwurst here, and torture 2 Concentration camps just for you Hitler died after World War II But lots of Nazis made it through We oppress gays and we oppress Jews If you're one of them, we'll oppress you too! chorus chorus The chocolate's good, the beer is great With swastikas to celebrate Lederhosen everywhere Stuka warplanes in the air! chorus We made the Allies really mad Confused the Japs; we had them had We killed 100 million Polish Because we don't like food that's kosher. That doesn't rhyme. [Abrupt polka ending]

Want to hear a dirty joke? A pig fell into the mud. Want to hear another dirty joke? Two pigs fell into the mud, but two came out.

Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon. A thousand volts ran down it's tail, And it's wool turned into nylon.

Ms. Piggy is ending her 20+ year relationship with Kermit the Frog on the grounds that Kermit converted to Islam and can no longer eat pork.

Man goes for a medical. Doctor takes a urine sample and tells his assistant to take it across the field to the lab for analysis. While crossing the field, the assistant drops the sample. Fearing he will be reprimanded, he sees a cow urinating and fills the vial with the cow's urine. He returns an hour later with the results. The doctor seats the man down and says: "Your health is excellent, except for one thing." "What?" that asks the man with growing concern. "You're 3 months pregnant." The man goes home totally pissed off. He slams the door and yells at his wife: "You and your fancy positions! You wanted to be on top and now I'M PREGNANT!"